Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Going punderground

Picture in the Daily Mail today of Paul Weller collapsed on the floor in a drunken heap.

The headline:

OH DEAR, PAUL. BET YOU'VE FELT WELLER

My pun idea:

FALL WELLER

Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Punder arrest

Liverpool legend Steven Gerrard has only gone and got himself arrested after a punch-up in a trendy nightclub. The footballer had been celebrating after Liverpool trounced Newcastle five-pun.

The Sun's front page goes with:

STEVIE G.B.H.

My pun idea:

STEVEN JAIL-ARD

*BREAKING NEWS*

Gerrard's been charged with assault and affray:

AFFRAY MISTER DJ

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Winter punderland

A 'Lapland theme park' in Hampshire has been criticised by disappointed families after it failed to live up to its idyllic and magical website.

The Daily Mirror's headline:

WALKING IN A WINTER BLUNDERLAND

My pun idea:

CR*PLAND

Monday, 1 December 2008

Baby pun more time

Britney made an underwhelming UK comeback on the X-Factor on Saturday night. The press didn't hold back on their views of her lip-synching performance...

Sunday Mirror:

BRIT OF A DISASTER

Daily Mirror:

BRITNEY JEERS

Daily Mail:

THE BRITNEY COMEBACK, LIVE ON MIME TIME TV

My pun idea:

BRITNEY LIP-STINKS

Is it me or are my puns getting meaner?!

Thursday, 27 November 2008

The punder of Woolies

Poor old Woolworths have called in the administrators. It truly is the end of an era. Where will I go now to buy my..err...you know...Oh. Now I see why they're bust.

Here are the puns...

The Sun:

GO UNDER OF WOOLIES

and

WOOLWORST

Daily Mirror:

WOOLWORTHLESS

My pun idea:

WELL WORTH SH*T

Harsh but true.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Too many puns spoil the broth?

Frankly I couldn't care less if Gordon Ramsay had an affair or not, and I don't see what gives the British press the right to report it even if he did. But without getting into a highbrow ethical debate on media privacy laws, let us simply celebrate some more outstanding punning by the Sun newspaper today.

Yesterday I briefly mentioned how the red-top had incorporated a series of food/affair puns on its front page. Today it took this one stage further by printing a whole MENU of such puns, including:

WELSH RAREBIT-ON-THE-SIDE

ROMP STEAK

and

LOVE RATATOUILLE

My pun idea:

A WOMAN SCONED

And as for an answer to the question I have posed in the title of this posting...THE MORE PUNS THE BETTER! Let's be honest, puns are never about subtlety!

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Chancellor punveils plans

Sooo many puns today, but the headlines were dominated by VAT-related gags as a result of Alistair Darling's announcement that the tax will be lowered to 15% next week. However, we will all be paying for the government's attempts to kick-start the economy with higher taxes after the next General Election. Woohoo!

So many to highlight.

Sun:

UP TO ARREARS

(special mention for the Sun's front page today, which also included a whole paragraph of Gordon Ramsay food / alleged affair puns)

Daily Star:

WE'LL NEVER DEBT OUT OF THIS MESS

Daily Mirror:

A VAT LOT OF GOOD?

My pun idea:

VAT'S TRAGIC

Hats off to Punlimited's #1 fan Joe, who yesterday predicted the tone of today's headlines. I would be lost without your inspiration!

Sunday, 23 November 2008

Pun Jameirah

A bit slow off the mark with this one, but most newspapers on Friday covered the credit crunch-defying fireworks display and ceremony to mark the official opening of the Atlantis Palm Jumeirah hotel in Dubai. I was at the hotel myself a few weeks ago, in fact. Kylie Minogue performed at the lavish concert. Thus, the Daily Star's headline:

DUBAI SHOULD BE SO LUCKY

My pun idea:

PALM FUNDAY

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Pundependent

Don't think we've ever had a pun from the Independent before. Well, today's the day. A little nib in the paper on American actress Winona Ryder, who was taken ill on a flight to the UK, forcing the pilot to request a priority landing.

Neat little pun from the Indy:

BAD FLIGHT FOR QUEASY RYDER

My pun idea:

WINONA FLY-BLEUGH

Weak!!! Please suggest some better ones!

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Captain's blog

A hidden gem in the Metro today. Star Trek legend George Takei applied some lotion to Joe Swash's arse on last night's 'I'm a Celebrity....'

The Metro's pun wasn't even the headline, just a caption underneath a photo:

CREAM ME UP, BOTTY

Brilliant! Thanks to Adele for the spot

My pun idea:

STARSE TREK

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Michael Jack-pun

Michael Jackson is in a spot of legal bother after a mega-rich Arab prince alleged the star reneged on a record deal.

The Daily Mirror's pun is:

SHEIK RATTLED AND ROLLED OVER

My pun idea:

THE WAY YOU SHEIK ME FEEL

Monday, 17 November 2008

Punz

A front page winner from the Daily Mirror:

BEANS MEANS HIKES

Yes, that's correct, the price of baked beans has sky-rocketed by 53% in a month as sneaky supermarkets reportedly raise the price of their basic food ranges in order to compensate for the price cuts they are making elsewhere.

My pun idea:

BAKED MEANIES

Absoloutely awful, I know :(

Friday, 14 November 2008

PoUNd coin

Chelsea striker Didier Drogba is in a spot of bother after throwing a coin at fans during his team's Carling Cup defeat by Burnley (haha).

The Daily Mirror:

IN DROG HOUSE

My pun idea:

WHY DIDIER DO IT?

or

OH DIDIER

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Currant puns

Hats-off to Guardian Unlimited, who today posted a brilliant article detailing the latest football transfer rumours with loads of fab food puns. 'Why food?' I hear you ask. Well, because Fabio Capello yesterday launched an astonishing attack on tomato ketchup. Yep, that's the only reason.

Too many puns in this wonderful article to list, so read it for yourself here. Thanks to Gary Andrews for the spot!

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Bonkers for conkers

Two brothers are hoping for a place in the record books after amassing a collection of 7,500 conkers.

The Daily Mail and Daily Express both go with similar puns, along the lines of:

WORLD CONKERERS

My pun idea:

HORSE CHEST-NUTS

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Like father, like pun

Not much in the way of puns today. The best I could find was from the Daily Star's article on David Beckham hanging out with his lookalike son Brooklyn:

BOND IT LIKE BECKHAM

My pun idea:

BROOKALIKES

Monday, 10 November 2008

Punny farthing

An adventurer from London has completed a 22,000 mile trip around the world on a penny farthing bicycle. The Evening Standard celebrated the marvellous achievement by Joff Summerfield with the headline:

AROUND THE WORLD AT 11MPH, A WHEELY LONG RIDE ON PENNY FARTHING

A tad long-winded methinks. How about this instead:

JOFF HIS HEAD

Would be good to base the pun around the bicycle however. Ideas please!

Friday, 7 November 2008

Pun-terest rates cut

The Bank of England has slashed interest rates by 1.5% in an attempt to stimulate the economy. However, some greedy mortgage lenders quickly pulled their tracker and variable rate deals, which could render the move pointless. The Sun and the Daily Mirror argue in no uncertain terms that, since we, as taxpayers, kind of have a stake in the banks since the government gave them a leg up with our cash, we should be able to force them to pass the savings on.

The Daily Mirror:

INTEREST RATS

The Sun:

NOW PASS IT ON, YOU BANKERS

The puns continue inside the Sun, with the newspaper identifying eight "piggy banks" that it says are "snout of order" for not cutting their variable rates.

My pun idea:

HEY BIG LENDERS, SPARE A LITTLE DIME FOR ME

Inspired, yes?!

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Barack O-pun-a

Democratic Senator Barack Obama has won an historic US election, with coverage of his victory dominating all of today's newspapers (which didn't get delivered to my office, today of all days - typical!).

I'm liking the Daily Mirror's punnage, despite it not being original:

GOBAMA!

And inside:

THEY THINK IT'S OBAMA...IT IS NOW!

My pun idea:

BARACK TO THE FUTURE

Monday, 3 November 2008

Lewis Hamil-pun

He did it! Only just, mind you, but Lewis Hamilton yesterday became the youngest ever Formula One Champion.

The Daily Mirror's front page goes with the headline:

LEW BEAUTY

And also a little gem in the Evening Standard:

LEWIS LAPS UP VICTORY WITH HIS PUSSYCAT GIRLFRIEND

That one works on a whole multitude of levels!

My pun ideas:

FORMULA WON

or

LEWIS CHAMPILTON

Sunday, 2 November 2008

Pun-tum of Solace

I know, I know, a bit slow off the mark with this one, but there were some 'cool' (hehe) James Bond premiere puns last week.

It was a bit nippy at Leicester Square on the big night. The Daily Star encapsulated the mood with the headline:

QUANTUM OF SOL-ICE

The Evening Standard opted for:

LICENCE TO CHILL

My pun idea:

COLDFINGER

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Pun-lic service broadcasting goes wrong

Come on then, let's here your Russell Brand / Jonathan Ross / Andrew Sachs puns. A comment piece in the Times had a pretty neat one today:

FIRST RULE OF COMEDY: DON'T MOCK THE WEAK

My pun idea:

SACH THEM

This would obviously have to be a Daily Mail headline...

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

George Ospun

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne has admitted that he made a mistake by getting involved in talks about a donation with a Russian tycoon during a meeting in Corfu. The Daily Mirror keeps it nice and simple, with:

A SOB TORY

My pun idea:

COR-FOOL (this particularly works well with a Bristolian accent...)

Monday, 27 October 2008

The punderer returns

I read my first newspaper in nearly two weeks today. I fear I have missed out on many pun headlines in that time, so feel free to fill me in.

But for now, back to 'Strictly Come Dancing', with the Daily Mirror reporting on swimmer Mark Foster having been voted off the show this weekend following a rather weak pasodoble routine. The muscular chap marked his departure with an impromptu strip-tease during his final dance. The headline:

FLOP MARK'S STRIPLY DANCING FAREWELL

My pun idea:

SIX-PACK-ODOBLE

I'm obviously out of practice after my time off...

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Pun-er kebab

A kebab shop in Wolverhampton has been shut down after the owner was discovered preparing food next to a dead body. Yuck!

The Sun hits the nail on the head with:

GONER KEBAB

My pun idea:

DEATHTAURANT (although strictly speaking it wasn't a restaurant)

I'm off on holiday now - the puns will re-commence fully upon my return!

Monday, 13 October 2008

Never fear, Punlop's here!

Yo pun-lovers. All four of you. Apologies for the lack of punnage over the last week or so. I have been uber-busy and haven't had the chance to keep the site up-to-date.

Rest assured the daily punning will re-commence after I return from a long-awaited holiday and things have calmed down somewhat.

However, I am well aware that seven days without a pun makes one weak.....so I will try and squeeze one in tomorrow before I depart!

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Whopunnit?

'Britain's dumbest criminal' has been foiled after CCTV footage of him breaking into a car revealed that his name and date of birth were tattooed on his neck.

The Sun's headline:

TATOODUNNIT?

My pun idea:

POLICE CATCH CAR THIEF: TAT OF THE NECK!

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

The Man with the Golden Pun

80-year-old James Bond actor Roger Moore is photographed in today's Sun surrounded by eight former Bond girls.

ACTUALLY one of the best puns ever in the Sun today:

OCTOPUSSY

With the sub-pun:

8 FORMER BOND GIRLS BACK FOR MOORE

The article itself also chucks in a hidden bonus pun for good measure, in the form of 'the Moore the merrier'.

I don't think there's anything I can do to possibly beat the genius of 'Octopussy' so I'm not even going to try as it would be an insult. But feel free to do your worst!

Monday, 6 October 2008

Don't leave the water punning

An 'exclusive investigation' by the Sun has revealed that coffee chain Starbucks wastes 23million liters of water a day because staff around the world are told to run taps non-stop.

The front page of the Sun screams:

STARBERKS

My pun idea:

STARBUCKS: THE WORLD'S LARGEST COFFEE DRAIN

('Drain' is meant to represent 'chain' in this pun. Hmmm....never a good sign when you have to explain a pun is it?!)

Friday, 3 October 2008

Here puns the bride

The 'fattest man in the world' is to get married. A simply classic from the Daily Mirror:

PIE DO

My pun idea:

SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOU'RE OBESE

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Bart Simp-pun

One of those 'I really shouldn't find this funny but....' stories in the Sun today. A three-year-old may be scarred for life with an image of Bart Simpson on his arm after having an allergic reaction to a holiday henna tattoo. Not exactly a pun in the Sun, but still pretty nifty:

ITCHY & SCRATCHY

My pun idea:

SCAR-T SIMPSON

Ok, ok - I'm having an off day!

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Greenwich pun-time

Apparently a vacuum cleaner which had been left switched on was the reason why Greenwich's lovely Cutty Sark was nearly destroyed in a fire last year. 'Lazy' security guards have also had their knuckles rapped.

The Sun's headline is pretty neat:

CUTTY SUCKS

My pun idea:

HOOVER DAMN

As usual, please feel free to beat my feeble attempt by leaving comments!

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Punny rabbit

Not such a nice story today, with the photographic tale of a heron drowning a little bunny rabbit before gulping it down in one.

Nice work by the Mirror though, with:

WATERSHIP DROWN

My pun idea:

RAB-BIT OF A MOUTHFUL

Monday, 29 September 2008

Firemen rescue branch from tree

An absolutely brilliant story in the Daily Mirror today, about a fire brigade scaling a tree to rescue a stranded iguana after receiving calls from various members of the public. However, when they got to the stricken creature, they realised it was just a branch which looked a tiny bit like an iguana. Great pun too:

ONE BIGUANA MISTAKE

My pun idea:

REPTILE AND ERROR

or

TWIGUANA (this isn't entirely original - The Sun's headline for this story is DIDN'T TWIG IT WAS IG)

Thursday, 25 September 2008

High Fash-pun

A couple of models take a tumble on the catwalk whilst showcasing Prada's latest high heels.

I like the Daily Mirror's headline, which is:

THE PRADA THEY COME...THE PRADA THEY FALL

My pun idea:

PRADICULOUS

or

STILETT-NOOOO

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Labour Punference

Gordon Brown yesterday made 'the speech of his life', with a little help from his wife Sarah. Front page punnage today, with the Daily Mirror going with:

GORDON'S WIFE-LINE

The Sun goes with:

GORDON GETS THE KISS OF WIFE

My pun idea:

PRIME-MISSUS-TER

Monday, 22 September 2008

Poo do you think you are?

Newsreader Natasha Kaplinsky has been photographed scooping up her doggie's do-do under the watchful gaze of two mounted police officers.

The Daily Mirror:

HERE IS THE POOS

My pun idea:

NEWSREADER NATASHA'S LATEST SCOOP

Not really a pun I know...

There are an incredible 91 comments to this story on the Daily Mail's website.

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Pun dancing

The Daily Mirror takes great delight in exclusively revealing that Strictly Come Dancing hopeful Cherie Lunghi is a trained dancer:

STRICTLY CON DANCING

My pun idea:

WALTZ ARE THEY PLAYING AT?

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Pun-ey markets

Anarchy on the money markets and the plummeting value of banks' shares is all over the news today. The front page of the Daily Mirror screams:

HELLIFAX

My pun idea:

BARC-LESS BANK

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Postpun

A cat in Dorset has developed an unusual habit of joining a postman on his bicycle delivery rounds. That's pretty much the essence of this story. The Daily Mirror's pun (and the Daily Telegraph's online - go broadsheets!):

POSTMAN CAT

My pun idea

NEXT STRAY DELIVERY (however, doesn't really work cos the cat ain't a stray...)

Monday, 15 September 2008

Pig-pun

Scientists have discovered that, millions of years ago, hog-like creatures called 'lystrosaurs' ruled the earth.



The Sun's headline:

JURASSIC PORK

My pun idea:

PREHISTOR-OINK

They are getting worse and worse...

(Please note, the above image is NOT a lystrosaur...!)

Friday, 12 September 2008

Epunomist

Highbrow punnage today, with the Economist reporting on the speculation surrounding the health of North Korea's dictator, Kim Jong Il:

KIM JONG ILL OR KIM JONG WELL?

I'm liking that muchly.

My pun idea:

SICKTATOR?

Thursday, 11 September 2008

Pun-apple

Apple has launched the thinnest ever iPod. The new iPod Nano is more than 20% smaller than the last one and is just 6.2millimetres thick.

The Sun goes with:

SLiGHT POD

My pun idea:

NAN-OH MY GOODNESS, IT'S THIN!

Oh my goodness that's awful, please come up with some better ones!

Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Pundaloo

A humble curry house in Whitechapel, east London, has made it into the top ten of a posh food guide. A meal at the New Tayyabs restaurant costs about fifteen quid, compared to £90 at the number one eatery in the guide. The Sun does a good job of the headline, with

SECOND TO NAAN

My pun idea:

KORMA BLIMEY (but this is definitely not original)

So how about:

THE SPICE IS RIGHT (criiinge, but it DOES work on a couple of levels...)

So let's here your curry puns!!

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Share the puns!

A computer glitch at the London Stock Exchange yesterday halted trading on what would have been one of the busiest days ever, following the US government's bail-out of mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. The Daily Mirror won my heart, AGAIN, with:

STOCKS AND SCARES

My pun idea:

THE OOPSIE 100

I AM PROUD OF THIS ONE!!

Monday, 8 September 2008

Pasta pun

The cost of spaghetti has doubled in a year as prices rise at the fastest rate since 1988. Noooo - I love pasta!

So does the Daily Mirror, with this pun:

PASTA JOKE

My pun idea:

SPAGHETTI BOLOG-RAISE

or maybe

FARCEFALLE

Sunday, 7 September 2008

Petrol pun

Weekend pun...

A computer games company caused mayhem in north London on Friday by giving away £20,000 of petrol to drivers as a promotional giveaway. But the bonanza drew hundreds of drivers from miles around and brought morning rush-hour traffic to a standstill. Local residents WERE NOT impressed, thus the headline in yesterday's Daily Mirror:

A FUELISH STUNT

My pun idea:

DUMBLEADED

Traffic misery for many I am sure. But LOTS of publicity for computer game in question. Hmmm...

Friday, 5 September 2008

Superhero stupidness

Marks and Spencer apologised today to a mother who rang up their customer helpline to complain that her seven-year-old son's Superman playsuit was faulty. She was shocked to be informed that the boy would have to speak for himself because of the Data Protection Act.

The Sun's headline:

SUPERMAD

My pun idea:

MARKS AND FARCE

Thursday, 4 September 2008

Flopping hell!

The world record for the highest shallow dive has been broken by crazy dude Darren Taylor (aka Professor Splash), who belly flopped from a height of over 35ft into a paddling pool filled with just 12 inches of water. NUTTER!

But puns aplenty so I don't care.

The Sun has the best one because it works soooo many levels:

TOP OF THE FLOPS

Other puns:

SPLAT NAV AT THE READY (Daily Mail - but what does a Sat Nav have to do with diving?!)

SMACKDOWN (Daily Mirror - not even a real pun)

My pun ideas:

SHALLOW DAL (If 'Dal' is an acceptable shortened form of 'Darren'...prob not, eh?)

FLOPS AWAY!

Or maybe even the title of this very blog post...?

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Will he stay or will he go?

Kevin Keegan is on the brink of leaving Newcastle United. At time of writing, he is currently 'in talks' with the board.

The Daily Mirror chooses this as its lead story, with the headline:

THE KKING IS DEAD

The puns continue inside with:

RUN OUT OF TOON

Another great football-related pun in the Daily Star today, following the news that Manchester City has been bought by Abu Dhabi squillionaires:

WE'LL SHEIK UP THE PREM

I am feeling rather uncreative at the moment so can't think of my own!

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Political pun

Over to the American presidential election, and Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has been all over the news today after admitting that her 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, is preggers.

Rather than focusing on this scandalous revelation, the fashion team from the Times2 supplement analyse Sarah Palin's style and image:

PALIN INTERESTING

My pun idea:

PALIN: POLL TO POLL

Yes, I know this is rubbish. So feel free to suggest some better alternatives, especially for the 'Bristol is pregnant' angle...

Monday, 1 September 2008

Chubby cops

The Lib Dems reckon fat police officers to shape up or ship out. The Daily Mirror triumphs again with:

END OF THE BEAT BLOBBY?

My headline idea:

THE FAT BLUE LINE

Sunday, 31 August 2008

Pedantic puns

I have just spotted this fantastic pun online, which will hopefully appear in tomorrow's Sunday Telegraph:

GRAMMAR VIGILANTES GO TO WAR ON ERROR

It's the headline of a brilliant feature on 'outlaw editing', where pedantic grammar freaks make it their mission to correct bad spelling and grammar on public signage, even by defacing them with marker pens and Tipp-Ex. Well worth a read.

My pun idea:

GRAMMARFFITI

Friday, 29 August 2008

Swimmer stalker

Olympic swimming legend Michael Phelps is allegedly being 'stalked' by Hollywood actress Lindsay Lohan:

GOD PHELP HIM!
...hollers the Daily Mirror.


My pun idea:

SWIMMER PHELPS DOESN'T NEED A LILO

Thursday, 28 August 2008

Good twin, bad twin

The Daily Mirror so far appears to be leading the way in our daily pun celebration. Today, it proves that sometimes the simplest pun can often be the most effective. The newspaper reported on a less-than-successful dude who had been posing as his more-respected twin to con old folks out of cash:

TWINPERSONATOR

Sums it up perfectly.

My pun idea:

TWINBECILE

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Puns and art

Artist creates masterpieces using a Biro pen...


(This is meant to be the Queen by the way)

The Sun and the Daily Mirror both go with the same headline:

BICASSO

This is, apparently, the artist's nickname. Well, it is now anyway.

This art-related pun reminded me of a recent protest over pay at the National Gallery in London. As I strolled across Trafalgar Square past the various picket lines, I was delighted to read the protestors' placards:

SHOW ME THE MONET

STOP TAKING THE PICASSO

...and one other really good one that I can't remember for the life of me.

Photo from the Daily Mail

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Eggstraordinary

Hen lays big egg. Bring on the puns...


The Daily Mirror pulls out the stops by adding weight to a classic pun with the headline:

APOLOGIES FOR CRACKING THE OLDEST YOLK IN THE WORLD...BUT THIS REALLY IS EGGSTRAORDINARY

The Daily Mail attempts to recycle the same pun, but spells it wrong:

EGGSTRORDINARY! THE EGG THAT IS FOUR TIMES THE NORMAL SIZE

Have you seen any other ace puns today? Or could you have come up with a better headline for the big egg story? Comments encouraged!

Photo from the Southern Daily Echo.